言葉の使い分け

ｘ　時間が速く進むそうだ
o　時間が速く進みそうだ。

----------------------------------------

家に帰ったのに、なんとかすぐ寂しい感じがし始めた。
時間がとても短いから、何かしたいもあまりできない。
生命の意味をよく考えさせられる。
何故ですか。

Voyagers

After obtaining true power, 
We can escape our fragment and move into the kakera-verse.
We are now voyagers, hopping from kakera to kakera.
Without determination, we will lose our ways.
Perhaps it is better to simply choose a good kakera and retire.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Conclusively, I only have one more year enjoying my current life. I should also develop and utilize my powers, for which I can use to control myself and steer towards the correct universe. This means motivation. This requires planning. This requires timely execution. This will be a touchstone of my implementation of skills and systems.

Next year will be fun.
Hope I make it through.

so... time to say goodbye?

The frivolity of life indeed.
Resistance is futile, so get rid of your intransigent attitude.
We need to solemnly walk through to the end of her and beyond,
where we will open a new era.

On Motivation

So you say you don't have the motivation to do stuff?
Tell you what, if you just try to run away from this problem,
You will fail pretty epically and pay a big price
Just look at the sad stories on premed101 forums...
Now that you recognizes this problem,
FACE IT! SOLVE IT!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Enough said.
The Plan is there, the system is there, it just needs a jump start.
Let's hope it comes to fruition.

Of Deleterious Results

Occam's Razor - absent of external information, 
one should choose the option with the least number of assumptions

"Those who go aborrowing, go asorrowing" - Roughing it in a Bush

The one ahead in the race "feels" easier?

What if Confederation was not achieved?
What if the world is just slightly cooler?
What if I was still grade 3?
What if I had known?
What if I was mature enough?
What if there is more time?


Stop daydreaming, get on writing that essay! 
Exam - 30 mins left!

------------------------------------------------------------------

In fact, confederation is essentially a pact. Without a pact, it could not live. For humanity sake, unilateral "Act" of any significant effect cannot and does not survive.

That journey is the prize? Define journey: the process, Define prize: the most rewarding, most valuable entity. Journey is the prize then.

To lend or not to lend? That is the question. Humans have developed altruism simply because cooperation in an probabilistic and sufficiently long run is better than selfishness. That does not, however, mean that local abnormalities are overridden. It's not as simple as an operator overload. Even that has problems.

Continuous Everywhere, Differentiable Nowhere

------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a while, or it seems like a while.
In fact, time seems to pass by rather quickly.

One month of experiment puts everything back to the drawing board.

No, sir. The fundamental problem so loathed by all of us still exists, under the abyssal weight of various masks, responsibilities, attempts of burial, and the worst of all - the sheer complexity.

For far too long, the regimen proved unsuccessful. There was no purpose, no motivation, and no action. Or rather, arbitrary plans that does not seem to go anywhere. It was changing everyday, failing in every conceivable way, and crippled to the point of sheer inefficiency. Events happen at a speed such that it is impossible to discern the problems without begetting new problems through the delays, until now.

Now, to put aside the attempts of burial, dig up all the skeletons, analyze, and clear the blockade ahead.
Happy Halloween.

Objectivity, Subjectivity

For far too many issues in the world, there is considerable opinion and subjectivity involved. In these topics, every article, every speech, every book, no matter how objective it appears to be, is vulnerable to subjectivity. Because either side of the argument has substantial stance, the general public is susceptible to being easily swayed to frantically supporting a cause that is actually not substantiated as well as the opposite cause.

I am no different. This is like a modified version of a tug-o-war representing your opinion on the spectrum. Basically in the beginning, the first person to pull the rope (ie the first article/influence on the topic) pulls it the farthest. Then, as more and more people joins the war (ie as you read more, hear more - especially on both sides), the situation stabilizes. However, there is rarely a neutral position, not because necessarily one side is better (although that could be the case), but because summing up the knowledge acquired so far, the argument is more weighted towards one side - and this is also heavily skewed about the reading sequence.

For far too many times I surrendered to a compelling argument because of lack of knowledge to rebut. However, I do absolutely nothing to remedy or to learn save from admitting lost; in fact the reluctance to change (inertia) is so strong that I am standing on pretty much the same side as I did since I first hear about the issue unless glaringly bad holes surfaces. The problem is that I do not learn and read more; I simply do nothing about it and let it slip by.

It is not true that I do not read; in fact I do read - a lot. I am basically consumed in the thirst of knowledge that I cannot pull myself out of. This seems strange as most people cares lots more about other things - and yet my analytical skills are not better? I do believe that one should stand on a position - and firm - after extensive ongoing research because if one continues to be neutral (or really: oblivious) then one can never make a decision in life.

Why is there such a confusion? Why is there such uncertainty? Maybe I am keeping all this inside my head for far too long? I can satisfy my thirst for knowledge and understanding the world, but that would not be enough since I would spend all my time pondering around the fragments of memory and constantly skewing information. There is a need for other people. First step is understanding, second step is discussing - by pulling on more brain powers to collaboratively analyze the issue. I sincerely hope to understand the world more and be happier. Ignorance is not bliss because ignorance is impractical.

善良、成長

「當你知道後，你就已經走上了不歸路。」

「是嗎？難到沒辦法了嗎？真的嗎？

　我不相信！

　我相信，這個世界是美好的。

　我決定，我要笑嘻嘻的活下去。

　這是我的決定；是任何人都無法阻止的！」

I protested defiantly, to the day of apocalypse.

--------------------------------------------------

決定，還有意志力，這是非常奇妙的東西

個人是真得有決定的權利嗎？還是這根本是假像？

Free will ? Self-consciousness ? All an illusion ?

總覺得世界是無法改變的

命運是已經 set in stone 了

因為

不知道為什麼

自己好像都是 80% 被環境控制

可是

如果自己無法有足夠的意志力來決定事情

那麼活著還有什麼意義？

所謂的「生命意義」就是要能發揮功能

生命是只有使用權的

如果無法運用使用權來改變世界

那麼就是無意義的

------------------------------------------------

其實，我是很怕的

因為我太容易受環境的影響了

去 SMUS 讀兩年

怎麼會

被他們同化了

回來慈濟才發現

離開菩薩道太遠了

很想找回那善良的心

很想回到那種純真的心

而不是在成長時，被染黑了

------------------------------------------

我決定，我要成為善良的人

我決定，我要成為快樂的人

我決定，我要走慈濟路

我決定，我還是不變的我

即使世界改變，我還是我，我還是會 be my self

再吵阿 ! 再吵阿 !

「我已經三十歲了，結果還是什麼都不行，什麼都要你管。
連洗衣服、煮飯、穿衣服都要照規則，不能自己來。
什麼洗衣機洗到一半要按暫停，然後換髒一點的衣服洗。
然後要脫水的時候要打開把全部的衣服一起脫。
還有什麼規定我不準下廚，
還有 ...

( 抱怨 10 分鐘後 )

我不知道為什麼我會變成這樣，
我很想去 take a vacation, you know
...... 」



「哇尬哩共，哇郎攏破病了，
哩都賣擱吵，害哇暗息困沒去，
本來調適和妳呀顧，那也擱安哪。
擱底那念，擱念阿 !
哇哪溪不在，看你要怎樣"
......
( 然後就肚子痛 )」

( 接下來繼續吵 ...)



看了真是無言
只能在旁邊笑翻天
妳們母女難到不覺得
這樣吵很好笑嗎?
這真是短暫的
發瘋阿
唉

--------------------------------------------------

說真的我的脾氣也要控制

雖然我這次避開了強烈颱風

而且心平氣和的調停他們

( 也要謝謝舅媽 )

只是

有時總沒辦法控制

最重要的是

我想轉變我媽的觀念

只是都無能為力她那種

根深柢固的變異觀念

唉

I am fortunate to choose ignorance instead of exacerbating the situation. However, in light of this opportune moment, I should devise a plan to better improve the situation, as time is not on my side now, as it used to be.

The key is to (a) change mom's views (b) control my own emotions (c) bring dad back together (d) spend more time with mom.

The modus operandi shall be decided and stuck to immediately.

莫拉克

" 阿 ! 那個金帥飯店要倒了 ! "
" 好耶好耶，大家一起來倒數 "
" 五、四、三、二、一 "
" 哇 ~ 帥喔 "
殊不知他們阻礙道路，讓救災耽誤了...

-------------------------------------------------------

剛剛看了新聞心裡有不少感受。

各地方變成水都，土石流竄，有點嚇人。

連大愛台的新聞主播都講到哭了。




雖然從小就看慣那種畫面，

只是，

以前都有點幸災樂禍，

看到橋斷的那一刻很開心，

看到災民哭的場景會忍不住的笑。




現在總覺得很慚愧；

不知道為什麼我會禁不住那種幸災樂禍的笑。

是事情永遠不會發生在我身上的觀念嗎 ?

還是天真的以為我能夠堅強去當第一者面對而不會哭?

很多事情都是碰到了才發覺自己多麼地無能。

真希望以後可以以更成熟的角度來面對事情。

只是，我也擔心我會不會就這樣變得太嚴肅 ?

畢竟生活是要快樂的而不是嚴肅的...




現在覺得好希望能當志工去協助救災，

畢竟身在慈濟家庭卻無能為力 ...

那麼多人動員了，

我們卻還在家裡無所事事，

整天吵雞毛小事

( 也沒有吵太久啦，只是意見不合就禁不住大小聲一兩句 )

( 脾氣真的要控制 )

唉 ...

Quandary

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Jason, this is not Gr 8 anymore. You can't just sit there, read your books, and everything is going to be alright. You can do more. They (pointing to upstairs) are watching us - for one of us to step up. Yes, one of us. Not them, them, or them (pointing at our friendly neighbors). We can help each other."
- Frank (my roommate)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My roommate has claimed to attempt to "help me" in, say, school life and how I'm viewed socially. I also appreciated him and many others for pointing out my personality flaws and such. However, right now I'm torn in a dilemma between who I naturally am and who I'm supposed to be. Obviously stalling is easy, but it won't get you anywhere. The sooner I choose a path, the sooner I will reach my destiny, assuming it's a correct path.

For many months I've been criticized on being:
- Generally socially inept

Why?
- Lacking confidence and prolonged response when confronted w/ questions
- Can't take jokes (now there's a fine line between joke and bully)
- EQ problems (angered easily)
- Not playing on any sports team
- Otaku (far from it actually)
- Book-worm (in fact I actually read very little book, but...)
- A follower, rather than a leader
- The person that punches first in an argument/joke/provocation
- Swears too much (as in 24/7)
- and the list goes on...

AND as part of the project to help me, I am supposed to overcome these problems over time. Why do they try to do this? They claimed they do this because they like me as a friend. I would like to believe it, but to this date I'm not sure if it is perfectly entirely 100% true. Their argument was that: if they don't like me, they will ignore me like the two Americans. The argument is sound. On the level, I clearly rest above them, how much? I am uncertain.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Perhaps I can reach a compromise, IF I can analyze carefully and not letting my emotions
cloud my judgment. I need to be as objective as possible.

Let's examine some of the points:

- Lacking confidence and prolonged imprecise response when confronted with certain questions

To a certain degree I can spew out a yes or no to that type of question easily. But what if the question is, say, "Who do you think is hot in Gr 9?" My response typically would be, "I have no real opinion." since I do not analyze girls. However, then, I would be bombarded with statements such as "either you are gay or you MUST have an opinion. If you don't have an opinion, then you like (insert name of some ugly girl her)?" My emotional panic sends me into an awkward state in which I speak in futility in response. I need thought to respond clearly and in reflection to my true position on a subject. However, the longer I take to think, the more people pick on me, and the more I get nervous, and I get into a vicious cycle that breaks off in a wave of frustration.

One of the underlying cause of this symptom is that through my short experience in life, I have been worried about the perception of me in people's eyes. It's not really "who I am" and "what I do" anymore. I'm really, thinking deeply, being shaped by the people around me, but that is another issue that will be discussed later. Anyways, I am worried that if I answer wrong, I would be ridiculed right into my face and wear the imaginary coat of shame throughout the day, and beyond, if I happen to experience through "a series of unfortunate events."

The irony is then, since I am worried about what people think if I answer wrong, by instinct, I would naturally spew out the "universal uncertainty answer" in which I give a neutral position that does not answer the question at all. As a slow learner socially, after all those months, I still haven't deployed the fact that the universal neutral position will inadvertently cause similar questions to be asked again and again because it is supposedly fun to ask me because I refuse to give a definite answer and then picking on me is also fun. This vicious cycle continues on.

Since this may be after all just an experience through high school and after the three years, will be totally gone as everybody matures, perhaps I can bare with it for a few more years? OR I could correct this fundamental problem once and for all by identifying and solving the underlying problems.

Thus, let's examine what the fundamental problems are: (a) I worry too much about my face, and (b) I have difficulty deciding when a neutral position shall be given and when a definitive opinion shall be given.

Perhaps, those problems will come back to hit me in life if I do not resolve them now, and that is the ultimate decision I have to make in regards to the original symptom.

- Can't take jokes (now there's a fine line between a joke and an abuse)

Puppies A, B, and C play with each other. A bits, B, who bites back, and C bites both. Then they take a bigger bite. Oops it's starting to hurt. C has 2 choices, bites back equally hard, or exit the heated debate. It will depend on C's emotional management. Exiting the debate would be the better choice, but only comes with a good, calm mind.

It has been extremely easy and fun to pick on me because I have the inability to fight back. I have been known to get irritated quickly when, say, my frustration when playing a game is fueled by intentional picking.

People love picking on me, and they will do it no matter what. I don't do it. I don't appreciate it. It's childish and immature. I had wish that they would stop - for a long time already - like 9 years, and I'm finally just learning that changing my own behavior is much easier than attempting to police others'.

However, the real question comes to HOW to stop people from doing this, and quick too. To do this would require emotional training. The trick is to remain calm and unmoved. Like many cases, your mood should remain calm and rational no matter what situation you are in. Appear sturdy and unprovoked is the key - and do not respond to the people that is attempting to provoke you - they want attention.

At least that's what comes out of my mind right now.
Let's see if they actually work - time into clinical trials (jk).