Quandary

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"Jason, this is not Gr 8 anymore. You can't just sit there, read your books, and everything is going to be alright. You can do more. They (pointing to upstairs) are watching us - for one of us to step up. Yes, one of us. Not them, them, or them (pointing at our friendly neighbors). We can help each other."
- Frank (my roommate)

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My roommate has claimed to attempt to "help me" in, say, school life and how I'm viewed socially. I also appreciated him and many others for pointing out my personality flaws and such. However, right now I'm torn in a dilemma between who I naturally am and who I'm supposed to be. Obviously stalling is easy, but it won't get you anywhere. The sooner I choose a path, the sooner I will reach my destiny, assuming it's a correct path.

For many months I've been criticized on being:
- Generally socially inept

Why?
- Lacking confidence and prolonged response when confronted w/ questions
- Can't take jokes (now there's a fine line between joke and bully)
- EQ problems (angered easily)
- Not playing on any sports team
- Otaku (far from it actually)
- Book-worm (in fact I actually read very little book, but...)
- A follower, rather than a leader
- The person that punches first in an argument/joke/provocation
- Swears too much (as in 24/7)
- and the list goes on...

AND as part of the project to help me, I am supposed to overcome these problems over time. Why do they try to do this? They claimed they do this because they like me as a friend. I would like to believe it, but to this date I'm not sure if it is perfectly entirely 100% true. Their argument was that: if they don't like me, they will ignore me like the two Americans. The argument is sound. On the level, I clearly rest above them, how much? I am uncertain.

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Perhaps I can reach a compromise, IF I can analyze carefully and not letting my emotions
cloud my judgment. I need to be as objective as possible.

Let's examine some of the points:

- Lacking confidence and prolonged imprecise response when confronted with certain questions

To a certain degree I can spew out a yes or no to that type of question easily. But what if the question is, say, "Who do you think is hot in Gr 9?" My response typically would be, "I have no real opinion." since I do not analyze girls. However, then, I would be bombarded with statements such as "either you are gay or you MUST have an opinion. If you don't have an opinion, then you like (insert name of some ugly girl her)?" My emotional panic sends me into an awkward state in which I speak in futility in response. I need thought to respond clearly and in reflection to my true position on a subject. However, the longer I take to think, the more people pick on me, and the more I get nervous, and I get into a vicious cycle that breaks off in a wave of frustration.

One of the underlying cause of this symptom is that through my short experience in life, I have been worried about the perception of me in people's eyes. It's not really "who I am" and "what I do" anymore. I'm really, thinking deeply, being shaped by the people around me, but that is another issue that will be discussed later. Anyways, I am worried that if I answer wrong, I would be ridiculed right into my face and wear the imaginary coat of shame throughout the day, and beyond, if I happen to experience through "a series of unfortunate events."

The irony is then, since I am worried about what people think if I answer wrong, by instinct, I would naturally spew out the "universal uncertainty answer" in which I give a neutral position that does not answer the question at all. As a slow learner socially, after all those months, I still haven't deployed the fact that the universal neutral position will inadvertently cause similar questions to be asked again and again because it is supposedly fun to ask me because I refuse to give a definite answer and then picking on me is also fun. This vicious cycle continues on.

Since this may be after all just an experience through high school and after the three years, will be totally gone as everybody matures, perhaps I can bare with it for a few more years? OR I could correct this fundamental problem once and for all by identifying and solving the underlying problems.

Thus, let's examine what the fundamental problems are: (a) I worry too much about my face, and (b) I have difficulty deciding when a neutral position shall be given and when a definitive opinion shall be given.

Perhaps, those problems will come back to hit me in life if I do not resolve them now, and that is the ultimate decision I have to make in regards to the original symptom.

- Can't take jokes (now there's a fine line between a joke and an abuse)

Puppies A, B, and C play with each other. A bits, B, who bites back, and C bites both. Then they take a bigger bite. Oops it's starting to hurt. C has 2 choices, bites back equally hard, or exit the heated debate. It will depend on C's emotional management. Exiting the debate would be the better choice, but only comes with a good, calm mind.

It has been extremely easy and fun to pick on me because I have the inability to fight back. I have been known to get irritated quickly when, say, my frustration when playing a game is fueled by intentional picking.

People love picking on me, and they will do it no matter what. I don't do it. I don't appreciate it. It's childish and immature. I had wish that they would stop - for a long time already - like 9 years, and I'm finally just learning that changing my own behavior is much easier than attempting to police others'.

However, the real question comes to HOW to stop people from doing this, and quick too. To do this would require emotional training. The trick is to remain calm and unmoved. Like many cases, your mood should remain calm and rational no matter what situation you are in. Appear sturdy and unprovoked is the key - and do not respond to the people that is attempting to provoke you - they want attention.

At least that's what comes out of my mind right now.
Let's see if they actually work - time into clinical trials (jk).