Of Catchers and Butterflies

"... I didn't care though ... I felt so damn happy, 
if you want to know the truth. I don't know why..."
- The Catcher in the Rye, p213

"It's called the butterfly effect. 
You step on a few butterflies, 
and some time later, people die."
- Angela Petrelli (in Heroes)

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You see, there is a problem with this situation. We think we are going in the right decision. We think we are masters of ourselves. How so? Is there such thing as "Free Will?" What have I done over the years?

Look, here is me, a person that devotes to knowledge, math, and computers. A person that participates in no sports team because of not competent enough, which is due to lack of perseverance. A person that is socially inclined. Outcast. Defend vehemently against the superficial. A person, not even participating in any community service. What have I done?

There is always people around you that at least attempt to push you, help you, but I am just too ignorant to realize that fact. Is it planned? Am I destined this way anyways? Is it that I have just not enough free will to shape my day? There must be a reason why so many people are ignorant, moving on with life without knowing what lies ahead. There must be a reason why I stand here today. Rationality. Pursue of knowledge. The right path or the pitfall? For the very least there is something missing.

Why am I alone, feeling need of companionship? For these years why never has anything come? Some do come close, then go away. I rely on myself. Is myself reliable? Am I stepping on too many butterflies that I don't even know of?

Why so many people have a niche in sports? Community service? Clubs? Why not me? People stand up to do stuff. I should stand up as well. Problem is I don't have the ability. Is it truely too late? Me, 15 years old, too late? That's BS. Is this the problem? That I delve too much into my stuff that I alienated other important aspects and ability? That the achievements of other people in these area are slowly corroding away my fortress in this world? That I begin to shrink in importance and the fundamental layer I hold has begun to be attacked? If so then I need defense. I need to fight back. NOW.

There is still time.